"I know I should stop but I don’t know how."
"It's just the way I am."
"My rage takes over and I'm helpless."
"Taking the blame and apologizing is my automatic go-to."
There’s a moment when parents know an old trigger is activated. Whether that upcoming reaction is yelling, controlling, shrinking, blaming, etc., they know they don’t want to do it again. They've set an intention to take a breath or two but, in the next second, they're already caught up in the reaction…
But how do you stop yourself?
And if you actually manage to pause, then what?!?
In their coaching journeys, the parents I work with first learn all the details of their triggers. It’s not fun coming face to face with how it plays out when they are reactive with their big kid. It's painful and sobering.
But it’s also a relief when we get granular about their internal experience, almost exciting.
“Yes, that’s exactly how my inner dialogue goes!"
"Now I see how my frustration intensifies!”
With this kind of knowledge, you can begin developing your ability to notice the exact moment when that outdates ineffective pattern is about to take over, pause and choose a different response. Like when your inner dialogue says, "You're being attacked. You have to defend yourself," you recognize that your teenager is venting and it's not aimed at you, take a deep breath and switch to listening, empathizing and building connection instead of causing disconnection.
I know that being able to switch isn't learned overnight and the process is unique for each mother, but I want to offer a practice that's been helpful to some of them in a moment of reactivity.
First, the background info
Your consciousness is designed for survival and so, untended, it will automatically scan for threats. And this is important, it also detects perceived and potential threats (e.g. detecting your daughter's scowl, assuming she’s going to yell insults at you and hoisting your shield).
This ability to recognize dangers and possible dangers is pretty great for keeping you safe from harm but it’s not that great for remembering the big picture. To be able to keep your awareness wide and take in the whole of what you’re experiencing, especially when the moment is heated, takes intention and mindfulness. And this is a skill we all have to practice.
Because this could save your relationship with your young adult child.
When you are with them and get triggered by your teen, something they say or do, it’s so, so, so easy to focus on some niggly little thing – their facial expression, a certain word they used – and lose sight of the big picture. It’s the difference between being a kingfisher up on a branch surveying the pond vs. diving down toward a tiny minnow. When you’re triggered, you’re automatically focused on minute details.
And when you’re down there in the reeds in the pond, your experience will be run by the part of you that feels threatened, offended or harmed. That part of you has a hard time getting access to awareness and communication skills; it just urges you to object, criticize, escape, insist, leave, acquiesce, blame, dismiss, etc., which weakens your connection.
A Recent Client
Wendy told me that, when she was listening to her son’s complaints, she would feel like she was being judged. Her jaw tightened and she couldn’t maintain eye contact.
“Then I would get defensive, telling him all the things I’ve done for him and that he should be grateful and show me more respect. It all happens so fast, like I’m swept up in a tidal wave that I have no control over. And then it just turns into a he-said, she-said debate and no one wins.”
Over the course of a few months, Wendy developed the ability to track her reactivity rather than act on the impulse to quickly ‘present her case’. She learned that her clenched jaw and lack of eye contact were signals that important needs were coming up for her. And when she learned to pay attention to those signals and figure out what she needed right then and there, she could talk honestly to her son without getting defensive and making things worse.
“I’m having trouble hearing you right now. I really want to hear what you’re saying but my system is just sensing judgement. I want to stay connected with you, so please tell me again exactly what you want me to understand.”
Naming what was going on within herself helped Wendy listen. When her brain got the message that there was no threat, her focus could rise up from the pond and go back to the branch where she had a wider, fuller awareness.
And when his mom expressed her desire to understand him, her son exhaled, thought for a moment and then made his complaints again. "He was still angry, but he seemed to be consciously trying to communicate more clearly."
And that was a win for their relationship.
The Practice
For Wendy, and for all of us, there’s a specific moment when we’re about to get swept up into a tide of reactivity. And there are specific signals our bodies send us in that instant. Our goal is to catch ourselves in that moment - right before it happens - so we can choose a different route.
One of the ways to do that is to ask yourself, “Am I feeling contracted or expansive in this moment?
And, if the answer is contracted, “Can I breathe into it, expand and release it, and identify the perceived threat underlying it?"
This practice will be most effective if you ask yourself these questions many times throughout the day. Like doing squats morning, noon and night, you’re building the “muscle” of detecting your expansion/ contraction.
So, ask before and after every meal and snack. Set an hourly alarm on your watch. Put the questions on bright post-it notes and put them on your mirror, in the car, beside your keys, on your desk, etc. Write it on your hand. Create a pop up on your computer. Invite a buddy to do the practice with you and check in at the end of each day.
You get the picture – do it often.
Like 15 days in a row.
This practice will support you in becoming more and more skilled at recognizing and naming reactivity in the exact moment when it’s ready to sweep you away.
And as you become proficient at seeing the tidal wave before it swells, your heightened awareness will help you pause and get grounded in your intention.
Then you’ll be speaking and acting more often from your desire to connect and opening your heart to your beautiful kid.
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