Setting boundaries is foggy territory for many parents. As their kids become independent and separate from them, they wrestle with their concepts of connection, protection and guidance. It calls us to be looking within and adjusting our ways of seeing ourselves and our roles.
How do you know when you need a boundary with your teenager or young adult child?
How do you know if you’re over-reacting, exaggerating, being too sensitive, are caught up in your own stuff… or that you really do need to set a limit, state what you’re willing to accept or articulate how you want to be treated?
And how do you know if you’re under-exaggerating the situation, maybe denying what’s not ok with you or excusing treatment you’re not ok with?
If you weigh it all in your mind, you’ll go round and round. At least I sure do. Instead, listen to your body, check your inner dialogue and tune into your intuition. Then you'll know what you know.
BODY
What signs does your body give you when a boundary is needed? Maybe you immediately know the answer; maybe you need to pause and consider...
Do you get an empty feeling in your gut or find it hard to swallow (i.e. hard to swallow what you’re putting up with)? Do you turn your head slightly away from the person when you’re agreeing to something you actually don’t want to agree to? Do you make yourself physically smaller or use a different tone of voice? Does your heart get jumpy or sink?
I invite you to capture this in your journal.
I know I need a boundary when my body _________
INNER DIALOGUE
And then there are the tales being told in our minds. What kinds of thoughts signal that you’re skipping your need for a boundary? For me, it's an immature inner voice, whining, “Why does everyone else always get what they want and I never do?” Poor little Lori.
Maybe you catch yourself resenting that you’re being taken advantage or shifting into fakeness. Maybe you slide into a deep funk about what's not accessible to you or start plotting your revenge. Perhaps your mind spins a story about how another person is so terribly inconsiderate, unappreciative, self-centered or malicious.
I know I need a boundary when I hear _________
INTUITION
There's a deeper knowing, too, when you need to set a boundary. Your sense of your truth.
How does it work for you? What's your sense of the energy of that need? Is it unsettled, wobbly, grasping, agitated, low and slow, flashing amber, fogginess...?
When we’re trying to keep the peace and maintain our sense of belonging with our loved ones, it’s easy to turn off our deeper knowing of where our limits are and how we want to be treated. We can doubt our worthiness and hold our tongue.
Some parents say that, when they don’t set a needed boundary with their kid, they feel 'inauthentic all over’, like they’ve betrayed themselves or been dishonest with the universe. Others feel over-exposed, in an uncomfortable relational field and just plain not right in their skin.
My intuition lets me know I need a boundary by ____________
And still, if you’re anything like me, you can ignore these signs and doubt the inner knowing of what’s right for you. I’d hate to count the number of times I’ve said, “If only I’d trusted my gut.”
And, let's be honest, we avoid setting boundaries to avoid the hassle. You're pretty sure that they're going to accuse you of being unreasonable/ unfair/ selfish/ unloving and you'll have to endure silent stares or pouty comments for days. You dread spending hours explaining and reexplaining why this is your boundary.
At the same time, you know that this is important to who you are and that it will nourish your peace of mind and self-respect and, in the long run, serve your relationship with your child.
Ultimately, your boundaries are for you - your wellbeing and the expression of your Light.
Trust your deeper knowing, the wisdom of your body and your intuition (inner teacher). As you develop your self-loyalty and the habit of holding sacred space for the expression of your beautiful, unique Self, you expand your ability to connect with your young adult child, Self to Self and Light to Light.
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