Teach your teenager that they're not for everyone.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent many hours of your life trying to twist yourself into what you thought someone else would like. Agonizing over how to sound cool to your classmates. Saying yes to your boss when every fiber of your being is screaming No. Trying to guess what to bring when you meet your mother-in-law. Trying to be liked.

One of the earliest messages I got about being liked was from my mom, who taught us that upholding a favourable image in the community was essential. That meant playing nice with other kids, being polite to adults and making a good impression on my teachers. Seven-year-old me came to the understanding that to be liked, I needed to adjust and suppress parts of myself. Perhaps we all thought something like that, to one degree or another.

And then I unwittingly perpetuated those ideas with my kids. 

I'm thinking particularly about when we stopped homeschooling and they went into the school system. My aching mama’s heart didn't trust the world to appreciate how beautiful they were, and I encouraged them to play nice and fit in. My desire for them to be liked clipped their wings and, ironically, reduced the possibility of them being seen and liked for who they really were. 

When they went into high school, I wanted to protect them from that awful feeling I experienced at 15, looking around and seeing so many others who seemed to have a place to belong, and looking in the mirror and wondering what I was lacking that would've made me more likeable. Right when my kids were navigating a world in which belonging to social circles and being liked wasn't guaranteed from day to day, nor even hour to hour, my fears had me subtly cautioning them about trusting others and, ultimately, undermining their self-confidence again.

What about you? How have your experiences of being liked/not liked influenced your parenting choices? How might they be shaping your relationships with your kids right now?

What I wish I knew in high school, and wish I helped my kids know more solidly at that age, is that we're not for everyone. 

I don't mean saying, “That's OK, that guy is a jerk" or "If they don't see how terrific you are, they're just idiots and you don't need them.” None of that is helpful; it conflicts with what they're feeling in their heart. 

So, how do we support them to know the value of their uniqueness, deep in their hearts and souls, and be fine with not being liked by others?

1 Point out their unique qualities. Often.

“It seems like you're really inquisitive about how other people make their drawings.

You've sure got an ability to see who's open on the soccer field and would be able to advance the ball.

I noticed that you had some strong feelings when they mentioned the declining salmon runs.”

2 Invite them to talk about it.

Not in a halfhearted, That's Nice way.  And not with that parenty tone that hints, this is what you should pursue for your future. But just with curiosity.

“Do their drawing techniques inspire you to try something?”

When you see an opening, do you see it at eye level or more like you're above a whole chessboard or do you just sense where your teammates are?

What sparked your interest in salmon? What had you speaking so earnestly?”

3 Normalize changing interests.

Talk about one of their favourite authors who switched from science fiction into fantasy. Or how you were barre classes last year but, once you were running regularly, you found it gave you something that being in the gym didn't provide.

4 Processing rejection.

Help them find their way of feeling the pain and allowing it to move through them. Ask questions like, “When you weren't invited, was your first emotion anger, fear or grief? Did it hit you in the chest or the gut or the knees? What were you thinking about them? What were you thinking about yourself?"

 5 Help them define belonging and acceptance.

“What kind of people do you want to like you? Why is that important to you? How would you know that they like you for who you really are? What would tell you that you're being included for the reasons that are most important to you?”

6 Explore authenticity.

“Do you find yourself expressing your honest opinion? Are there circumstances in which you say what you think is expected? Can you share how you feel or does it feel unsafe? What does it feel like inside you when what you say and do feels truly like You?”

This kind of inquiry, with a neutral tone and deep listening, helps our young adults hone their discernment and their unique ways of knowing around being liked and accepted. When they feel this capability growing in themselves, they’re more able to explore their social environment with confidence.

What if we taught our teenagers that they’re not for everyone?

What if we help them see the unique light that they shine from within? And that, while it's not for everyone, it is most definitely for this family, this community and these times. That there's a place for that light.

What if we support them to move on with ease from those who are uncomfortable with their light and to explore and experiment until they find the people and environments that welcome it?

Here's my wish:

May our young adults know that their light shines no matter how they change interests and friends, no matter what personas they try on or what teams they try out for. And may they know that we see that loveable spark of their soul.

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