About 75% of the parents I coach tell me that their young adult child acts entitled, disrespectful and/or ungrateful.
"I offered him the room in the basement for a few months so he could get back on his feet and he’s been here for over a year! He behaves as though he’s completely justified in living off me rent-free and then also expecting me to put away his laundry and lend him my car. I want my house back! But, every time I raise the subject, he makes me feel like I’m being stingy. The other night, he said, “I thought I could count on you, but obviously I can't!”
~
"I send her money every month but, in return, I don’t get thanks, calls or anything. She spends carelessly and acts like the money I’m sending is hers and not mine. I feel like I’ve raised an unappreciative brat."
~
"He asked me for $5000 to buy into a money-making scheme. When I hesitated, he reacted immediately, accusing me of not trusting his judgement and causing him anxiety. I know it's not my fault but it sure feels like it."
~
This kind of entitled behavior is heartbreaking. It makes parents who have been loving and supportive doubt if they've done enough and fixate on their mistakes. They’re burnt out from living on eggshells, never knowing when they’re going to be manipulated, guilted or face unreasonable demands.
And they’re isolated - so many other families seem to have adult children who are respectful and appreciative of their parents. There's a very real risk of being judged as a bad parent and that makes them feel like they have to hide their pain.
How it happened
We have raised a generation that feels entitled to our time and resources.
The reason I'm seeing is that there's been a big shift in parenting philosophies in the last thirty years - great ideas and intentions without the skills to enact them.
For many of us, our parents were authoritarians. They understood their role was to direct and protect us and so they made curfews, gave punishments and said No a lot. That is, their decisions and actions came mostly from a fear of losing control.
Being raised that way made us resolve that we WOULD NOT do it that way when we had our own kids. Collectively, we set out to do a complete 180.
We didn’t feel warmly or safely connected and we want to give that to our kids.
Our parents had to work hard and save, so we want to be generous.
We felt confined, so we want to give our kids freedom and space.
Our parents’ approach felt unfair so we naturally want to give plenty of airtime to our kid’s thoughts and reasons.
We didn’t feel appreciated for who we are, so we want to be attentive, encouraging and affirming.
It’s like your parents were going north and so you headed south, without a map or practical knowledge of how to get to the land of ‘not like my parents’. And, without knowing how to structure this new kind of parenting, we unwittingly ended up as permissive parents (to some degree or another). We used ‘natural consequences’, included, negotiated and said Yes as often as possible. Down here in the south, our decisions and actions come not so much from fear of losing control but fear of conflict and losing our relationship with our kids.
While we were trying to figure it out, and making some big blunders along the way, some of our kids realized how hard we were trying to be inclusive, affirming and flexible and got pretty good at guilting and manipulating their parents.
There’s a gap between the way we want to be parenting and the models we downloaded from our parents. It's a gap that can only be closed by learning - trying things, making mistakes, allowing ourselves to be judged and gathering the knowledge we weren’t equipped with.
What we need - what we're creating together - is modern parenting approaches and tools. That’s the map we’re drawing.
About that Map
Here are some of the things we're learning about creating our anything-but-my-parents approach:
It’s ok to say no and stand by it. Respectful parenting means being both kind and firm and saying no is part of the job. Saying no isn’t authoritarian. You can do it lovingly, of course but, you also have to develop your ability to be comfortable with their discomfort.
Allow their emotions. It’s completely normal to be indignant, frustrated and/or irate when things don’t go how you want. So let them be angry. Feeling their feelings is the only way they’re going to learn how to navigate, regulate and express it appropriately.
Recognize your emotions as separate from theirs. It’s not your job to absorb their anger or make it go away for them. And it’s not time to join the club and be angry too. Stay in your own lane and tend to the emotions that are arising in you.
Know and assert your boundaries. What’s ok with you while they’re riding their wave of emotion? To what will you say, “no more”? What exactly makes you feel ‘walked all over’ and what do you want instead? Where are you willing to meet them that doesn’t leave you feeling used? Give your young adults a model of healthy boundaries that honour who you are.
Acknowledge that it sucks. Let your heart empathize with the annoyance and disappointment of things not going as hoped, not getting what you want, not being bailed out, etc. You know what this feels like. Then toss in some fear of not making it on your own, conflicting emotions, self-doubt and not knowing your next move, and appreciate this level of suck.
Stop enabling. If you’re fixing their problems or carrying their responsibilities in a way that interferes with their growth and responsibility, notice your urge to over-help and gradually pull back. Yes, they’ll get upset and, in the long run, you’re helping them build confidence in doing adult tasks.
Navigate disagreements. Communication skills are essential in the land of not-my-parents, skills that we get opportunities to practice and polish every day. What’s your way of standing firm without being rigid and controlling? How are you practicing being flexible but not a pushover? What words do you use to create clarity and connection?
It’s not too late
When you think about changing the way your child treats you, you might feel like that ship already set sail long ago. But it’s not true.
There is no time limit for listening skillfully and speaking honestly with your kids. No deadline for reaching a mutual understanding of what is wanted in your relationship and what is not or how you define things like respect, independence, support, kindness and acceptance.
Throughout the rest of your years together, as you both change and grow, you will be developing new ways of being with each other. Trust your instincts and go for what you believe in.
If you’d like to read more like this directly in your inbox, head HERE to subscribe to my Sunday Letter to Parents.
Photo by Adolfo Félix on Unsplash