My kids recently asked if we could look through photos from when they were little and we lived in Yellowknife. I love looking at those first bike rides and the refrigerator boxes made into spaceships – it brings on such a warm feeling for our happy-little-family days.
Looking back 15 years, it took all of us to piece together some of the contexts and timelines - each of our memories were holding a piece of it, with some of our memories reinforcing or contradicting each other.
That’s the thing about our experiences – they are our own. We live and see the world through our personal filters and everything we do is informed by our beliefs, our emotional, mental and physical states, our environments and our culture.
That is, the way I experienced a birthday party was completely different from everyone else (I served the cake while others opened passed out the plates; I heard Andy knock at the door while other did not) and so I remember such events in my own unique way. Others have different filters, like a different pair of glasses, and so their memory of the party is necessarily different.
How does this relate to parenting young adults?
A client told me about having a terrible argument with her 21-yr-old daughter and then, when trying to make reparations, got into another argument about what really happened.
If this sounds familiar, it’s because, when there’s been a rupture in a relationship, you’ll likely find yourself wishing for a shared reality of what sparked it. You think reparations will come from first reaching an agreement on what happened.
But this is a hazardous direction because you DID NOT have the same experience. Period. Your memories of the argument will differ and so it will be impossible to agree on who said or did what. Moreover, even if you had a video to confirm the external events, your internal experiences would still be different.
It’s no wonder my client and her daughter ended up in another dispute.
So, what are your options when you and your kid have different versions of what happened? Do you assume that their recollections are false or some kind of mental creation that they’ll get over or see their wrongness? Do you risk trying to convince them to affirm your version and, thus, invalidate their experience? Neither sounds like a good option for reconnection.
Move Forward to Reconnect after an argument
Knowing that the two of you had your own experiences of the original argument, you can acknowledge the truth of your child's experience rather than the facts of the event.
Be empathetic toward the feeling they have recalling their experience. It might sound something like, “As I listen to you explain what it was like for you, I can see that you felt misunderstood and I’m guessing that you’re feeling some hurt and frustration about that right now.”
Their answer might be harsh, since you’ve given them room to express their emotions. “Ya, you weren’t even listening to me or giving me the benefit of the doubt.”
It’s not easy to hear such accusations – not easy at all. What’s required here is waiting patiently, listening attentively and staying grounded. Resist the urge to defend yourself and instead, focus on holding the space for their experience. As the Emily Dickinson wrote, 'Saying nothing sometimes says the most."
If you need to center yourself, take a few gentle breaths, shake out your hands or take a break.
And when it feels right to take the next step, offer empathy. “I can see that you feel hurt about feeling unheard. You want to be listened to and believed, right?” This will prompt more emotion from them, but you don’t have to get caught up in how their experience differs from yours. Rather, stay focused on the present and take in how they’re feeling right now.
When you attend to the here and now, you’ll automatically feel empathy and be able to offer it genuinely. And your child, having their feelings acknowledged, will most like begin to exhale, release their shoulders and lean back.
As they do, notice if you feel an urge to circle back to your version of events, which will only put them back on the defensive and erase the empathy you’ve given.
Instead, recognize this moment of reconnection.
Pause and let it land.
Exhale and release your shoulders.
Breathe into your heart and let there be more space.
Make eye contact.
Be present with your big kid. That's everything.
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If there's room for more at this time, focus on moving forward. Check in: “I’m wondering if you’re open to hearing what came up for me while I was listening to you?”
If you hear a No, let it be for now. There will be more opportunities to talk.
If you get a Yes, talk about what you’re feeling in this conversation (not the previous one), maybe something like, “When I hear about your experience, I feel sad because listening to each other and giving each other the benefit of the doubt is important to me. Now I understand it better - that need wasn't met for you and that was upsetting.”
And that's enough for now.
Of course, part of you is still wanting to talk about how, in the future, you'll do it differently and both your needs can be met. And it is often best to leave this strategizing for another time.
Right now, take in the beauty and meaning of the step you've taken together. It's such moments of reconnection that build a connected relationship.
When you’ve felt hurt and your needs haven’t been met, it’s natural to want affirmations of your experience and clarity about what happened. What will be required of you to let the details go and avoid re-harming each other? What skills will you engage to focus on the current experience? What will be your way of creating space for reconnection with your child?
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Photo by Bence Balla-Schottner on Unsplash