Setting boundaries with your teen or young adult child can feel like landing in a foreign country - you're not sure how things are done and you stumble to find the right words.
I remember how hard it was when we moved to Bolivia. I had only my beginner-level Spanish to ask for directions, change money at the bank and buy food at the market down by the river (and all that with a toddler on my hip). By the time I got home, I was exhausted, nothing but mud between my ears and paper for a tongue.
But there was no option to give up; I had to practice and take notice if farmers looked at me quizzically when I asked for carrots (I kept mixing up zanahorias and zapatos).
So, with that sense of necessity and perseverance, let's practice setting boundaries...
You’re just leaving work and your 22-year-old calls you and tells you that they need your help to get their car to the automotive shop before work on Wednesday. You’re tired after a full day and what’s happening in a few days seems like a far-off horizon.
You feel some tension seeping in... If you say Yes, you’ll sacrifice your usually easygoing morning to extra traffic, waiting for your kid and likely feeling unappreciated. But if you say No, you’ll be accused (by him or your own inner critic) of being selfish, unsupportive, unreliable, etc.
You’re not sure what to say, so here's Boundary #1: “Let me call you back in a couple of hours. I need to get home and unwind before discussing this.” That’s your limit – you need some time before responding.
During that time, you consider your own needs. Wednesday is already going to be a full day for you and you need to ensure that there’s no added stress. The prospect of keeping things as simple as possible on Wednesday makes you exhale with relief. Trust that feeling - that’s your need.
Of course, you’re also going to consider your son’s needs: getting his car fixed as soon as possible and making it to work when it’s being repaired.
You might feel some guilt when you think about saying No. You want to be helpful and you’re glad that he’s taking care of his vehicle and thinking proactively. But at the same time, you don’t want to say Yes simply out of obligation because that will only lead to resentment.
What might be a boundary that would allow you to say an honest Yes?
Last week, I suggested that a boundary has four ingredients:
Honouring your needs.
Caring for the needs of your child and choosing how you do that caring.
Expressing what you are/ are not willing to do in concrete, specific and doable terms.
Taking action to uphold your boundary.
Boundary 2 might sound something like, “I need to keep my Wednesday free of potential hang-ups. I’m willing to do this for you on Thursday or Friday.”
When you propose a plan that is specific and doable, it naturally sets a boundary. Notice how this response puts the focus on what you’re saying Yes to? That moves the conversation to what is possible, whereas an emphatic No can lead to a fruitless comparison of your needs and his, bruised feelings and a stalemate.
You probably also notice that this response could open up a space for negotiation. If you don’t want to negotiate, be prepared to restate your boundary word for word. “I need to keep my Wednesday free of potential hang-ups. I’m willing to do this for you on Thursday or Friday.”
And if you are willing to negotiate, make sure you are still honouring your need for a hassle-free Wednesday morning, while staying open to other possibilities that may meet both of your needs. Maybe you do it on Tuesday evening and leave the keys at the garage. Maybe he can stay in your spare room on Tuesday night. Maybe he can ask a co-worker. Any of these could honour your original boundary.
What a boundary doesn't sound like
Not a Boundary: Slow down!
A Concrete, Specific, Doable Boundary: I need to feel safe so, if you continue to drive over the speed limit, I won’t ride with you.
Not a Boundary: Stop criticizing me.
A Concrete, Specific, Doable Boundary: I want to feel accepted when I’m talking with you and, when you criticize me for my opinions, I feel rejected. Next time, please say exactly what you don’t agree with without putting me down.
Notice that I’m not using the word “respect”. That's because asking for respect often comes across like an accusation and, even if it’s said in the mildest voice, it can trigger reactivity in others.
Expressing your deeper need, for acceptance, drops the conversation down into the heart space, which is more likely to soften your kid’s desire to be right/ heard and help them open to what’s really going on between you.
Remember, communicating a clear boundary to your teen is stating your limit and the course of action you will take to take care of your needs in a particular circumstance.
Your Turn
Think of a time recently when you didn’t set a clear boundary with your big kid.
Which of the four ingredients was missing? ____
And if you had a re-do, how would you assert your boundary? ____
How to say it is a skill to learn – all of us need to practice, like rehearsing your notes for choir or running stairs before a steep hike. So, write out the words you’d want to use and practice them in the car or before brushing your teeth. Let your mouth get used to them.
And then, as you get more comfortable, let them come from your heart and your big love for your kid. Trust that the honest expression of who you are and what you want is a gift to them. It's an opportunity to really know you and shows your trust in them.
Can you feel how that welcomes them into closer connection with you?
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